Yesterday my friends Matze, Jamie and Brenna decided to go out on a mission to the Lower Stein River (Stein Valley, British Columbia). Having only paddled once on the usual Nahatlach rafting run since smoking my face on Spuzzum Creek I was pretty sceptical about running it and was planning on doing video rather than running this continuous, solid class 4 run. However having another female kayaker (Brenna) made me re-think this and I loaded my baby blue Dagger Mamba 'just in case'
Last year during the rafting season up in Lytton (on the Thompson River) I made the drive up the Stein Valley multiple times and would scout rapids and walk along the trail wondering if I'd ever have the skill level to run a beautiful river like this. Last season none of the rapids made sense to me on the Stein and everything looked so big, intense and intimidating. It was so continuous, so many rocks....so many features which frightened me.
Every river I previously rafted or kayaked last season looks different to me now. They are less intimidating, they are fun and they seemed to have ''slowed down'' in terms of myself not having to worry about what is going on and that I'm actually thinking about how fun everything is.
I still consider myself to be a beginner kayaker in the fact that I am probably lacking a lot of confidence in my own skill level & ability to what I'm realistically capable of. Trying to make the transition up to be a solid class 4 kayaker can have it's set backs. One week it will seem as though I'm so high on the learning curve then the next week I'm making silly mistakes on rivers which I usually find very relaxing and easy, making myself out to be a complete ''gumbi paddler''. Then I become confident in my ability once more and am flying down the river with magic colours, a set back like a swim, missing a roll, missing an eddy, obtaining an injury such as my one on Spuzzum will push me back down that ladder and this is when the doubt can sometimes set in.
Being able to recognize the factors which create doubt in your mind is extremely important as otherwise if left unattended this can lead to irrational fear which can result in counterproductive outcomes such as a person making irrational decisions whist on a river (such as taking a swim even though they may be perfectly capable of rolling just simply because they are panicking about missing a roll or what may or may not be further downstream), missing out on running a river just due to lacking confidence in their ability, just coming up with the excuse of ''no I don't want to'' or worse....not enjoying the river or kayaking due to irrational fear.
An example of this was my first visit to Uganda in November 2008. I had previously been on the Zambezi River leading up to this and had been swimming between 1-6 times on the upper section (rapids 1-10). There was no reason for this because up until this point I had a bomber roll. Other skills started to fly out the window, I was paddling like a stiff robot due to shaking so much going down every rapid, I wasn't edging properly which lead to me capsizing. Other kayakers would just tell me I was a crappy boater or ''you need to learn how to roll''! It wasn't until I arrived in Uganda when things took a turn around. All it took was a couple of people to instantly realize it wasn't anything to do with my roll, it was the fact I was panicking when I capsized. They set about to find out why this was happening and I guess it was due to me being frightened on the unknown, being upside down and hitting a rock or not being able to roll up. They gave me the confidence within myself by asking me the question ''ok what's the worst thing that can happen here'', my answer was ''a swim'', not so bad really. Then the next thing was a little push from some friends saying ''you can roll, we've seen you before, you actually have an excellent roll!'' Within no time my swimming stopped, I stopped paddling like a stiff robot and I was able to enjoy the river, enjoy kayaking and make new goals for myself to achieve so I could become a better kayaker.
Yesterday on the Stein I felt some of this doubt re-enter my mind. Ideally I would have liked to do at least a few more easy runs before attempting a harder run which was going to test me. I knew if I let this doubt take a hold of me I would not be capable of running this river. I also didn't want to miss out on the perfect opportunity of having 3 experienced kayakers to take me down this run as the opportunity might not come by again. In the car ride up I tried to visualize what I remembered of the river, what to do if I missed a line etc. We eventually arrived at the carpark and rather than making a decision then and there I walked up to scout a few of the rapids nearby the carpark. I was pretty amazed. Instantly I thought ''these rapids are doable, they are good to go''. I made the decision to give it a go but still had some doubt in the back of my mind as I wasn't sure what was further up top.
We hiked in for about an hour or so before coming to the rapid ''Touching the Void''. Straight away I thought ''no way'' and knew I wouldn't even bother scouting it as I could see a put-in just below. I was happy with this decision, I didn't feel fearful but just a little unsure of the unknown which I guess is a good thing as it keeps you on your toes. The others continued up the trail another 20-30min and put in below the ''Devil's Staircase'' while I waited for them to come down. Most of the way down it was a series of continuous boulder gardens and holes, in some parts there were some nice v-shaped crashing wave type hole features which were non-retentive and fun to smash into. There were a couple of moments when I missed my line i.e. I got pinned on top of a rock and started to slide unstably over it's edge (somewhere I really didn't want to be the wrong side up!), in this situation I remained calm and leaned into the rock hoping I would slide off which is exactly what happened. I also got surfed in a few pour-overs/holes on the way down which where hard to come out of, the combination of the hike in and having to take a few rolls and brace took their toll on my stamina. I was able to deal with each situation and move onto the next part of the river. It was only above the rapid you can see from the carpark when I finally wore myself out and got re-circulated in yet one more hole and didn't have the energy to hold on anymore and chose to swim out. I'm sure my mates were pretty annoyed with me as who wants to rescue a boat and person, really? I didn't let my swim get the better of me, I was at my limit and tried what I could before taking that swim.
Straight away walking back to the carpark on my own I reflected on my day on the Stein which was probably the biggest step up for me so far. I thought about the factors which placed doubt in my mind: not confident making tight eddies, not having efficient boofing technique, feeling as though my roll may not be as great as it was a few weeks ago (due to not paddling). I then thought to myself if I improved these factors will that relieve my mind of fear? Yes.
So what now? Obviously I want to run the Stein again (soon!) but I want to run it well. To do that I've established working on a familiar river and doing ''eddy hopping'' sessions will improve my confidence and spending some time with a more experienced paddler who can give me feedback on boofing will improve these factors. As for the roll, remember Uganda, it's all in the mind, I've got the roll just need the confidence:)
I'm sure there are other kayakers out there just like me who are trying to take the step up to the next level but are struggling with the mindset. Just remember it's important to boat with positive people who will encourage you no matter how many swims or tumbles you take along the way - patience is key and so is positive feedback. Visualize yourself performing a task, running down a certain rapid down the line you want to take. Set goals for yourself and break these goals down into steps so you can analyze the process and give yourself feedback. If you miss the line you want to take don't panic, read what coming ahead and take Plan B. And most importantly if you take a tumble, get back on that horse!
